short stories by Charles Bukowski

**My Big-Assed Mother**

they were two good girls, Tito and Baby. they both looked near 60 but

they were close to 40. all that wine and worry. I was 29 and looked closer


to 50. all that wine and worry. I had gotten the apartment first and then


they had moved in. it worried the apartment house manager who kept sending


the cops up when we made the least bit of noise. it was jumpy. I was afraid


to piss in the center of the bowl.


the best time was the MIRROR, watching myself, bloated belly, with Baby
and Tito, drunk and sick for nights and days, all of us, the cheap radio
playing, tubes all worn-out sitting there on that worn-down rug, ah my, the


MIRROR, and I'd be watching, and I'd say:


"Tito, it's in your ass. feel it?"


"oh yes, oh my yes - SHOVE! hey! where ya GOING?"


"now, Baby, you got it in front here, umm? feel it? big purple head,


like a snake singing arias! feel me love?"


"oooh, dahling, I think I'm gonna c-..HEY! where ya GOING?"


"Tito, I am back in your rumble seat. I am parting you in two. you


don't have a chance!"


"oooh god ooooh, HEY where ya GOING? get back in there!"


"I dunno."


"I dunno who I want to catch it. what can I do? I want you both, I

can't HAVE you both! And while trying to make up my mind I am in a terror of


demise and agony trying to hold it! doesn't anybody understand my


suffering?"


"no, just give it to me!"


"no, me, me!"


THEN THE BIG FIST OF THE LAW.


"bang! BanG! BANG!


"hey, what's going on in there?"


"nuttin'."


"nothing? what's all that moaning and hollering and screaming? it's


3:30 a.m. you've got four floors of people wide awake and wonderin-"


"please go away. my mother has a bad heart. you are terrorizing her.


and she's down to her last pawn."


"and YOU are too, buddy! In case you don't know, this happens to be the


Los Angeles Police Department-"


"christ, I'd have never guessed-"

"now you've guessed. o.k. open up or we'll kick it down!"

Tito and Baby ran into the far corner of the dining room, crouched and


shivering, holding, hugging their aging wrinkled and wino and insane bodies.


they were stupidly lovely.


"open up here, buddy, we been up here four times in the past week and a


half on the same call. you think we like to go around just throwing people


in jail just because it makes us feel good?"


"yeah."


"Captain Bradley says he doesn't care whether you are black or white."


"you tell Captain Bradley that I feel the same way."


I kept quiet. the two whores shivering and clutching their wrinkled


bodies by the corner lampshade. the bland and smothering silence of willow


leaves in a chickenshit and unkind winter.


they had gotten the key from the manager and the door was open 4 inches


but it was being held by the chain which I had on there. one of the cops


talked to me while the other pushed with a screwdriver, trying to work the


chain out of the slot-holder. I'd let the cop get it almost out, then I'd


push the end of the chain all the way back in. while standing there naked


with this hard-on.


"you are violating my rights. you need a search warrant to enter here.


you can't force entry just on your own behest. What the hell's wrong with


you guys."


"which one of those is supposed to be our mother."


"the one with the biggest ass."


the other cop almost had the chain off again. I pushed it back with my


finger.


"come on, let us in, we'll just talk."


"what about? the wonders of Disneyland?"


"no, no, you sound like an interesting man. we just want to come in and


talk."


"you must think I'm subnormal. if I ever get queer enough for bracelets


I'll buy them at Thrifty's. I'm not guilty of a damn thing but a hard-on and


a loud radio and you haven't asked me to shut either of them off."


"just let us in. all we want to do is talk."


"listen, you are attempting to break and enter without a permit. now,


I've got the best lawyer in town-"


"a lawyer? whatta you got a lawyer for?"


"I've used him for years - draft dodging, indecent exposure, rape,


drunk driving, disturbing the peace, assault and battery, arson ---all bad


raps."


"he won all those cases?"


"he's the best. now look, I'm giving you three minutes. either you stop


trying to force the door and leave me in peace of I'm getting him on the


phone. he won't like to be awakened at this time of the morning. he'll have


your badges."


the cops stepped back, a little way down the hall. I listened.


"you think he knows what he's talking about?"


"yes, I think he does."


They came back.


"your mother sure has a big ass."


"too bad you can't have it, eh?"


"all right, we're leaving, but you keep it quiet in there. we want that


radio off and all that moaning and hollering stopped."


"all right, we'll turn off the radio."


they left. what a pleasure to hear them leave. what a pleasure it was


to have a good lawyer. what a pleasure it was to stay out of jail.


I closed the door.


"all right, girls, they're gone. 2 nice young boys on the wrong path.


And now look!"


I looked down. "it's gone, all gone away."


"yes, it's all gone." said Baby. "where does it go? it's so sad."


"shit," said Tito, "it looks like a dad little vienna sausage."


I walked over and sat in a chair, poured a wine. Baby rolled us 3


cigarettes.


"how's the wine?" I asked.


"down to 4 bottles."


"fifths or gallons?"
"fifths."
"jesus, we gotta get lucky."


I picked up a 4 day old newspaper. read the funnies. then went to the


sports section. while I was reading, Tito came on over, dropped down to the


rug. I felt her working. she had a mouth like one of those toilet plungers


that unstopped toilets. I drank my wine and puffed at my cigarette.


they'd suck your brains out if you let them. I think they did it to


each other when I wasn't around.


I got to the horse page. "look here," I told Tito, "this horse cut


fractions of 22 and one fifth for the quarter, he's 44 and 4/5ths for the


half, then one o nine for 6 furlongs, he must have thought it was a 6


furlong race---"


vurp virp slooom


vissaaa ooop


vop bop vop bop vop


"---it's a mile and a quarter, he's trying to sprint away from these


routers, he's got 6 lengths turning the last curve and backing up, the horse


is dying, he wants to be back in the stable---"


sllllurrrp


sllurrrr vip vop vop


vip vop vop


"now check the jock --- if it's Blum he'll win by a nose; if it's


Volske he'll win by 3/4's of a length. it's Volske. he wins by 3/4's a bet


down from 12 to 8. all stable money, the public hates Volske. they hate


Volske and Harmatz. so the stables use these guys 2 or 3 times a meet on the


goodies to keep the public off. if it weren't for these two great riders, at


the right time, I'd be down on East 5th Street ---"


"oooh, you bastard!" Tito lifted her head and screamed, knocked the


newspaper out of my hand. then went back to work. I didn't know what to do.


she was really angry. then Baby walked over. Baby had very good legs and I


lifted her purple skirt and looked at the nylons. Baby leaned over and


kissed me, gave me the tongue down the throat. I got my palm on her haunch.


I was trapped. I didn't know what to do. I needed a drink. 3 idiots locked


together. o moaning and the flight of the last bluebird into the eye of the


sun, it was a child's game, a stupid game.


first quarter, 22 and 1/4, the half in 44 and 1/5, she smoked it out,


victory by a head, Calif. Rain of my body. figs broken lovely open like


great red guts in the sun and sucked loose while your mother hated you and


your father wanted to kill you and the backyard fence was green and belonged


to the Bank of America. Tito smoked it out while I fingered Baby.


then we seperated, each waiting the bathroom's turn to wipe the snot


from our sexual noses. I was always last. I came out and took one of the


winebottles and went over to the window and looked out.


"Baby, roll me another smoke."


we were on the top floor, the 4th. Floor, high up on a hill. but you


can look out on Los Angeles and get nothing, nothing at all. all those


people down there sleeping, waiting to get up and go to work. it was stupid.


Stupid, stupid and horrible. we had it right: eye, say, blue on green


staring deeply through shreds of beanfields, into each other, come.


Baby brought me the cigarette. I inhaled and watched the sleeping city.


we sat and waited on the sun and whatever there was to be. I did not like


the world, but at cautious and easy times you could almost understand it.


I don't know where Tito and Baby are now, if they are dead or what, but


those nights were good, pinching those high-heeled legs, kissing nylon


knees. all that color of dresses and panties, and making the L.A. Police


Force earn the green.


Spring or flowers or Summer will never be like that again.